Soldiering on with love

Today I cant find the words- still. perhaps there is no way to end these things.
As Neil says, it is hard to explain how this month has been. Well, its been pretty amazing really. For the first time in ages i havent had to answer to no one but myself when it comes to making creative decisions. Liberation- there is another word. I feel it right now. Its equally as hard as collaborating and much more frightening, and i loved it.

All the artists were so uniquely beautiful in there own way. I could not have wished for a stranger or rather eccentric group of individuals to be around me for the month. Thank you all, you all played a part to inspiring me in some form or another, little pieces of the jigsaw.
Alice was an over worked little star shimmering in all directions any time of day and night. She was a light that never went out. How does she do it?
And Matt, the trusting programmer who has the gift of letting go for others to find there freedom. Thanks so much for inviting me to do this project. Seth, tis a great ol project and im excited to be part of it.
And of course a special thanks to Simon and Dom (for the Beautiful concrete sea defence wall with a bull nose! and the dying little soldiers) and Steph for all your patience and wise advice.

Its been a few days now since sunday. Ive been to glasgow and back and i still feel unsure of it all. I mean the ending of things.
Its just the beginning perhaps.
Even though we all met after saturday i still dont feel like i really know what i have made. Did i create a monster? its bothering me.

Friday night seemed like a tight performance. The structure smoothly moving in my mind and body now.
Saturday, the structure disrupted by the Charlie (the donkey). This was the surprise element, the cat amongst the pigeons, the wild card that would challenge me and what i know. well yes it did. I learnt a lot that night. I think people thought i was upset , that i had failed at something (delivering a beautiful performance that had a donkey as the special guest in it), im not sure if some people were even embarressed for me. A couple of people said ' it was very brave'. Now i find this comment slighty peturbing. They are either being completely condescending or genuinely feel like i had risked something there. Either way the potential 'failures' really interested me and in times of self doubt i will ponder on the attitude to failure and the acts of repair that Goat Island have to offer me for comfort.
I love improvising, i remember now , i like it. But im not sure if i like to rely on it, just sometimes when a donkey turns your world upside down.
Poor charlie. Poor me. I had such a terrible nights sleep on saturday night. Was it cruel? i suddenly threw myself into all sorts of moral dilemmas.

I dont like it: to make an animal walk by a metal plate that pulls at his mouth. I didnt use that brace and thats why he didnt comply to my efforts. He wasnt chomping at the bit.
Donkeys are stubborn , extremely proud and know what they want and what they dont want. I admire his attributes and should consider this more often when self directing.
I have up most respect for Charlie and I would like to see him again one of these days. I hope he wasnt as traumatised as I am at the thought of him being in distress. im sure he will have forgotten about it already- he is back on the beach eating all those free ice creams , or doing other ' weird stuff' like being in other plays and the like.

As for working with animals again , im not sure. Theres lots of talk about working with animals and children at the moment: lots of good work around the corner it seems.
i think ill start smaller- maybe my sisters lercher could be a good starting point for the next animal collaboration.

08_post process blues

We showed our pieces to a small and modest audience on Friday, a much more distinguished and full audience on the Saturday. On Sunday we talked about the experience from the first day to the last.

Four days later I am still digesting what it is that I made. Although as the famous phrase goes – ‘to travel is better than to arrive’, I feel the process was extremely rich, fruitful and productive and that the piece could never capture that. It is a piece that I never anticipated I would make, but I think this is due to the experimental ethos of Rules & Regs rather than through responding to the rules themselves.

It has been a rich 4 weeks, and I was aware that evaluating the experience you can sound like a moaning, discontented, jaded artist, but despite, the little things, it has been a necessary luxury. To play, to experiment, to not be precious and not to do what you always do, not to rely on the tricks, not to do what you know works – to genuinely take a risk. I hope that I can carry this spirit of experimentation with me into future projects and work.

It was great company and I second Simon’s thank you’s to all the right people.

Thank you.

They Think It's All Over...It is Now

Wow!

First of all -

Big thanks to Seth from Rules and Regs, Matt, Alice, Julia, Dave, Simon, Dom and Steph for an excellent opportunity to make new work and show it, and more big thanks to Christine, Eleni, Neil, Bethanie and Simone (& Charlie), lots of genuine care and mutual support, and thanks to everyone who turned up to see the work, and in particular my excellent landladies - Grazyna, for the late night conversations, and Jean for lending me Franz's Accordion.

Just got back, watched the last hour of Miss Austen Regrets, and I keep remembering the sound of everyone's voices, which I hope will keep me going as I try and figure out what next.

07_nc: think of the birds

There are birds in them there fingers. So I am told. I must not forget the birds.
I’m sure they have wise thoughts to share.

At this time, one day before the showings, he feels like a folk musician at a noise event, but he could be

a vagrant geographer
a prehistoric entertainer
a stumbling nomad.

All of these and none of these, it doesn’t really matter.
The thought in his head..

‘To be reincarnated as a stone or speck of dust – my soul weeps with this yearning.’
[he thinks the thoughts of Fernando Pessoa]

Time disappears. Mountains become deserts. The earth changes its nature.
And if you don’t sleep he will steel your eyes.

Think of the birds.

Sea Hugs

At the moment I know, or think I know, about two thirds of my lines. The structure is down. If somebody asked what the piece is about I don't know what I'd tell them, but thinking it through , it could be about: the rescue of a broken-winged bird; a record I promised not to listen to; a grandfather I never met; my father's, his son's, faded (but still impressive) glories; a quote that I have used several times before and a lot of quotes that I have not, and about that hat.

Bit sad to think that next week I won't have the structure that we have here, good spaces, wonderful (I do mean wonderful) people. Next week I will be missing my fellow Reggers, I'm certain.

Got to get on.

x X x

06_NC: critical response at a critical time

Yesterday, we each showed 10minutes of material, some a little more, some a little less. Mr P. came to faciltate feedback using Liz Lerman's method critical response process. I found this extremely useful. I have done versions of this before, but never so structured. I found that when responding to someone else's piece it forced me to be astute and focus what I was really saying. When receiving feedback it meant that I really got a sense of what it was I had made, what it did, how it functioned without being clouded by people's opinions and prejudices. I know that it is not for everyone, but it came at just the right time in the process for me. Now I am left with some questions, some thoughts and interesting problems to solve.

I was unsure of what I had made, it is not a piece I thought that I would ever make, and yet showing something, putting it out there, having a little bit of hindsight and reflection allowed me to see the material more. Now I feel it is a question of eeking out what is already there even more. And so on we go...

In the Nuffield, the space we will show our pieces in. It is very different to the space I have been working in. I am grateful for a week to prepare in this space, get to know it. And so I go...

PS I find the function of the blog has changed, my relationship has changed. I was a virgin blogger before this experience and the idea of putting my writing out into the world is quite frightening. In the beginning, during the research I enjoyed writing, formulating my thoughts for another. Now I find I just need to get my head down, into the piece. All my creative thoughts are on that, and the blog has become a box to tick, rather than a tool as it was in the intial stages.

It's Tuesday. How it got to the last Tuesday before performances already, we're not exactly sure!?
Yesterday we had showings and feed back, so today we were trying to piece together something that made sense as a whole. We've created alot of material, so it's hard to know what to push and take further, and what to let go of...we have to 'kill our babies' as Eleni says!
We've definitely been working in a different way to normal, spending every day together; working through an intense period, is a long way from what we're used to. We both believe it's been productive for us to work to a set of rules and with a looming performance, it's speeded along our process and given us an urgency to concentrate our ideas. Often our work responds in a much broader way to themes, and in turn gives us a vastness of material which can be hard to know where to start with.
Time seems to be flying by, and it feels slightly odd and sad that this rather luxurious cocoon we've been given to create work in, will soon be over, and the prospect of arranging the next project, finding more work, is suddenly becoming a closer inevitability.
Celebrating a birthday in Blackpool was mildly depressing, candy floss and neon don't exactly drum up the same level of excitement as they did when we were seven. There's something quite touching and engrossing about that cocktail of strife and show time.....or does that sound dangerously patronising and middle class? It's not meant in that way, there's just something fascinating about something that both draws you in and puts you off at the same time, you don't like to look, but you can't help it.
We wanted to go swimming today, but we left it too late.
Tomorrow maybe
Bethanie and Eleni
Levantes.