Away

I looked at the blog today to sniff out the residue of other reggers  - lonely as I was. And I see that many posts have been posted after my last attempt and so I write, if only to say goodbye.

It has been

 sunny for a week but now the rain has arrived. Perhaps that is why I am writing - it reminds me of Lancaster! 

I guess I saw some things  about myself during the process that I have been able to ignore for some time... that the smallest tiniest tichiest 

sticking point can paralyse me... that I can't make work in a room, that I have a massive tidal resistance to being told what to do, that I want to be told what to do, that I need to feel trusted, that I need a personal assistant, that other people delight and horrify me by turns...

In the end, I made a piece called THE BUCKET SHOW about a clairvoyent trying to make a piece of experimental theatre and then giving up and speaking to the dead through her spirit guide Kenny. I miss Kenny. He was my invisible collaborator  for two of the four weeks.

I'm not sure whether

 my fears about having created a piece of stand up as opposed to something more "artistic" were unfounded or not. We didn't really ever have the opportunity to discuss each other's work , or even find out how each person had applied the rules - although in same cases it was more obvious than others. Perhaps we'll get together at some point and do just that.

In the mean time I would like to post a couple of pictures. The above is taken from a saucy postcard by Donald McGill and used in the show to stick on a banner and kiss people behind. 

This one is of me or rather my alter ago during the show. Little Kenny has just said something really funny in my ear.

I wish I was back in the Nuffield theatre now. Waiting for an audience to come in. Waiting to try out new material in the luxury of a supportive environment. There. Bet you bloody thought you'd never hear me say that... 

I start a new job on Monday in the "proper theatre". Got to pay the rent. It's a new version of Pirandello's Six Characters in Search of an Author. Or, as I have already renamed it - somewhat giving away my attitude to the whole  charade - Sick Characters in Need of a Doctor. 

But the good news is that I have my film funding and will be shooting my first "professional" short up in Morecambe Bay in July. I guess this will be my final entry here. But if anyone wants to know what I'm up to, please do visit me at my own blog: www.wonderhorse.org/wonder.

Thanks to everyone I met especially the other reggers and Alice.  And a special thanks to Neil for taking  the most significant song in the world and filling it with light and laughter and.. Blackpool. What's that Kenny? Kenny's got a little message for you all... No Kenny. You don't say "See you in Hell" you say "Lovely to meet you, let's all hook up soon". 

Soldiering on with love

Today I cant find the words- still. perhaps there is no way to end these things.
As Neil says, it is hard to explain how this month has been. Well, its been pretty amazing really. For the first time in ages i havent had to answer to no one but myself when it comes to making creative decisions. Liberation- there is another word. I feel it right now. Its equally as hard as collaborating and much more frightening, and i loved it.

All the artists were so uniquely beautiful in there own way. I could not have wished for a stranger or rather eccentric group of individuals to be around me for the month. Thank you all, you all played a part to inspiring me in some form or another, little pieces of the jigsaw.
Alice was an over worked little star shimmering in all directions any time of day and night. She was a light that never went out. How does she do it?
And Matt, the trusting programmer who has the gift of letting go for others to find there freedom. Thanks so much for inviting me to do this project. Seth, tis a great ol project and im excited to be part of it.
And of course a special thanks to Simon and Dom (for the Beautiful concrete sea defence wall with a bull nose! and the dying little soldiers) and Steph for all your patience and wise advice.

Its been a few days now since sunday. Ive been to glasgow and back and i still feel unsure of it all. I mean the ending of things.
Its just the beginning perhaps.
Even though we all met after saturday i still dont feel like i really know what i have made. Did i create a monster? its bothering me.

Friday night seemed like a tight performance. The structure smoothly moving in my mind and body now.
Saturday, the structure disrupted by the Charlie (the donkey). This was the surprise element, the cat amongst the pigeons, the wild card that would challenge me and what i know. well yes it did. I learnt a lot that night. I think people thought i was upset , that i had failed at something (delivering a beautiful performance that had a donkey as the special guest in it), im not sure if some people were even embarressed for me. A couple of people said ' it was very brave'. Now i find this comment slighty peturbing. They are either being completely condescending or genuinely feel like i had risked something there. Either way the potential 'failures' really interested me and in times of self doubt i will ponder on the attitude to failure and the acts of repair that Goat Island have to offer me for comfort.
I love improvising, i remember now , i like it. But im not sure if i like to rely on it, just sometimes when a donkey turns your world upside down.
Poor charlie. Poor me. I had such a terrible nights sleep on saturday night. Was it cruel? i suddenly threw myself into all sorts of moral dilemmas.

I dont like it: to make an animal walk by a metal plate that pulls at his mouth. I didnt use that brace and thats why he didnt comply to my efforts. He wasnt chomping at the bit.
Donkeys are stubborn , extremely proud and know what they want and what they dont want. I admire his attributes and should consider this more often when self directing.
I have up most respect for Charlie and I would like to see him again one of these days. I hope he wasnt as traumatised as I am at the thought of him being in distress. im sure he will have forgotten about it already- he is back on the beach eating all those free ice creams , or doing other ' weird stuff' like being in other plays and the like.

As for working with animals again , im not sure. Theres lots of talk about working with animals and children at the moment: lots of good work around the corner it seems.
i think ill start smaller- maybe my sisters lercher could be a good starting point for the next animal collaboration.

08_post process blues

We showed our pieces to a small and modest audience on Friday, a much more distinguished and full audience on the Saturday. On Sunday we talked about the experience from the first day to the last.

Four days later I am still digesting what it is that I made. Although as the famous phrase goes – ‘to travel is better than to arrive’, I feel the process was extremely rich, fruitful and productive and that the piece could never capture that. It is a piece that I never anticipated I would make, but I think this is due to the experimental ethos of Rules & Regs rather than through responding to the rules themselves.

It has been a rich 4 weeks, and I was aware that evaluating the experience you can sound like a moaning, discontented, jaded artist, but despite, the little things, it has been a necessary luxury. To play, to experiment, to not be precious and not to do what you always do, not to rely on the tricks, not to do what you know works – to genuinely take a risk. I hope that I can carry this spirit of experimentation with me into future projects and work.

It was great company and I second Simon’s thank you’s to all the right people.

Thank you.