Soldiering on with love

Today I cant find the words- still. perhaps there is no way to end these things.
As Neil says, it is hard to explain how this month has been. Well, its been pretty amazing really. For the first time in ages i havent had to answer to no one but myself when it comes to making creative decisions. Liberation- there is another word. I feel it right now. Its equally as hard as collaborating and much more frightening, and i loved it.

All the artists were so uniquely beautiful in there own way. I could not have wished for a stranger or rather eccentric group of individuals to be around me for the month. Thank you all, you all played a part to inspiring me in some form or another, little pieces of the jigsaw.
Alice was an over worked little star shimmering in all directions any time of day and night. She was a light that never went out. How does she do it?
And Matt, the trusting programmer who has the gift of letting go for others to find there freedom. Thanks so much for inviting me to do this project. Seth, tis a great ol project and im excited to be part of it.
And of course a special thanks to Simon and Dom (for the Beautiful concrete sea defence wall with a bull nose! and the dying little soldiers) and Steph for all your patience and wise advice.

Its been a few days now since sunday. Ive been to glasgow and back and i still feel unsure of it all. I mean the ending of things.
Its just the beginning perhaps.
Even though we all met after saturday i still dont feel like i really know what i have made. Did i create a monster? its bothering me.

Friday night seemed like a tight performance. The structure smoothly moving in my mind and body now.
Saturday, the structure disrupted by the Charlie (the donkey). This was the surprise element, the cat amongst the pigeons, the wild card that would challenge me and what i know. well yes it did. I learnt a lot that night. I think people thought i was upset , that i had failed at something (delivering a beautiful performance that had a donkey as the special guest in it), im not sure if some people were even embarressed for me. A couple of people said ' it was very brave'. Now i find this comment slighty peturbing. They are either being completely condescending or genuinely feel like i had risked something there. Either way the potential 'failures' really interested me and in times of self doubt i will ponder on the attitude to failure and the acts of repair that Goat Island have to offer me for comfort.
I love improvising, i remember now , i like it. But im not sure if i like to rely on it, just sometimes when a donkey turns your world upside down.
Poor charlie. Poor me. I had such a terrible nights sleep on saturday night. Was it cruel? i suddenly threw myself into all sorts of moral dilemmas.

I dont like it: to make an animal walk by a metal plate that pulls at his mouth. I didnt use that brace and thats why he didnt comply to my efforts. He wasnt chomping at the bit.
Donkeys are stubborn , extremely proud and know what they want and what they dont want. I admire his attributes and should consider this more often when self directing.
I have up most respect for Charlie and I would like to see him again one of these days. I hope he wasnt as traumatised as I am at the thought of him being in distress. im sure he will have forgotten about it already- he is back on the beach eating all those free ice creams , or doing other ' weird stuff' like being in other plays and the like.

As for working with animals again , im not sure. Theres lots of talk about working with animals and children at the moment: lots of good work around the corner it seems.
i think ill start smaller- maybe my sisters lercher could be a good starting point for the next animal collaboration.